I regret hesitating

Courage, the Cowardly Dog (© Cartoon Network)
Courage, the Cowardly Dog (© Cartoon Network)

I regret nothing I did. I regret everything I didn’t do.

A Gemini person is kinda like Ying & Yang – you always have complementary opinions about something due to your inner conflicting personalities. On the bright side, it makes you a sympathetic person since it’s easier for you to understand others’ perspectives. However, if you’re not confident enough, it might turn you into an indecisive person.

I’m fully me when behind a keyboard or a pencil. That’s why my poetry book gives so much of me away. When I face someone that read the book I feel awkward, almost transparent or naked, like he or she knows too much. That’s why I was once called a dark horse by a teacher – someone no one bets on but ends up winning the race – because there’s so much more about me that no one gets to see. And I’m the only one to blame. Well not the only one, I wasn’t always like this, but that’s another story for another time.

So what do I regret? I regret not doing everything I think about saying or doing. From thought to action I create so many obstacles, so many what ifs and maybe I shouldn’t that the opportunity is lost.

I’ve lost count to the number of times I thought about doing something and end up doing nothing – like when I come up with a joke, I think it’s not good enough or not appropriate, right when someone else says it, and everyone has a laugh… “oh, I was just about to say the same thing!” except I didn’t, and now you look funny and I look shy.

The number of times I could…

  • Say “You look pretty today”
  • Wave at an old lady by the window
  • Clearly state my opinion even if it’s contrary to others’
  • Walk next to an old friend and don’t wait for him/her to notice me
  • Give a big hug to that friend I really cherish instead of the standard howdy

And did nothing instead.

What really bothers me is that I think about the actions but lack the courage to perform them. It’s like the whole world is watching my every move waiting for something to throw back at me. I know I’m a happy, playful, passionate, even naughty kind of person but it’s hard for others to believe it soleny based on my actions.

For fear of being unpolite, I’m neutral. No one has strong feelings (bad or good) about me because I too don’t have strong actions. I’m just average. Once I met this girl that I invited for a walk. Her subtle body language was an indicator that she wanted more. And I wanted too, but I did nothing besides smiling and being nice. Next day she invited me to dine out and watch a street show. She was right in front of me at an arm’s distance. I could embrace her, I wanted to, but I did nothing. That night I hardly slept, thinking about everything that could have been, consumed by regret.

I want to, I know how, I have the opportunities, but I don’t seize them… I lack the balls. Don’t be like me. Do what your guts tell you and do it now. Say sorry later. Life is short and each day a blessing, live it to the fullest. If it helps assume you’ll be dead tomorrow. You’ll be astouned with the courage that comes from that thought. Anyway one day you’ll be right.

So my main resolution for next year is to fix this sad little behavior: to do what my heart tells me to do and ignore the fears created by my brain.